Monday, July 25, 2011

Incomplete .1

Something that I've been chewing through lately is the concept of being accepting in the uncomfortable situations of life.

Here's how my thought process goes.

I want to always be growing, learning, expanding. Even when I do let my mind rest and just numb out, I'm still doing it for the reason of growth. I give myself breaks to be able to continue to grow more thoroughly. For the most part lately, it's all been quite a controlled growing period. Very little chaos was had.

A metaphor The Man used last night that I've had a visual of for a while now is, I feel as if I've been thrown into a field and not given a direction but told to find the path that best suits me. Not only that, but I don't know who I am. So I am to find a personalized path for someone I don't know. I have 100% options. How is one supposed to narrow it down from that?

There is a discomfort. An unknown aspect of life that is overwhelming. And yet, I don't want to get back into a comfortable haze. Where is the medium? Where is the balance?

I guess, thus is life. Finding the balance in all situations. Sometimes I feel as if I regress and my maturity is out the window. (Ok, I feel like that a lot lately..) But sometimes I feel solid and expansive. The quest is to learn how to continue those moments of feeling rooted in yourself and growing to who you want to be, all the while keeping that self love. Discovering who you are and who you're changing into is all part of the excitement.

A good question to ask yourself in these situations (I assume) is, how can I make this happier? Brighter? More fun and adventurous? What can I do to bring a lightness to this situation?

I still haven't quite figured this out yet. I have a feeling this will be an ongoing theme in my life, at least for a while. I'm sure I'll do a .2 on the subject soonish..

Genuine ponderings,


Monday, July 18, 2011

Skin to the Grindstone

Sometimes it feels as if I'm wearing a skin of sandpaper. Everything pulls and catches, snags and rips, scratches and damages. The grit changes from time to time but for the most part, it still hurts everything around me, but mainly myself.

The texture of our lives changes consistently. Not only the top layer but all the other ones as well are individualized and completely different. What I'm learning is that dreams and ideals are good to have but they won't physically rid my body and mind of this harsh surface. What will? Taking it off of myself. Peeling back the layers one by one and disposing of them efficiently. Making sure that I work at bringing my natural skin back to its healthy self. Setting aside time for the process sink in. Making realistic goals and putting them into action. Putting a light on every single thought and making it a choice. You can go one way or the other. One will bring you to a better state of life, the other will not. Because, (as Dancing Queen always says) to not make a choice, is a choice.

And as I've been told, there will always something in our lives that we are "going though." At all times. It may be smaller or unseen, it may just be beneath the surface. Whatever it is, at whatever time, it's always better to work with it than against it. Eventually that sandpaper skin will have been peeled off and somehow the situation will have been made smooth.

A lot of the time, what my fingers spill out on this keyboard and eventually end up in front of the eyes of friends and the general public, is what I would like to be. The best of myself. I put these ideas, these thoughts and views out there to hopefully have to be accountable and responsible for living up to all the ideas in my head. I can feel my mental growth expanding into tangible actions but it's taking a while. I know I need to always remember that everything is just a phase but my mind gets caught up quite easily. Soon enough though, with the encouragement of the ever loving people around me, I will see a change in myself.

Now to go and make my skin anew.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

Observant of the Times

As I amble along my journey in life, I start to look back in glances at my previous mindsets and levels of self awareness. Which, in all honesty, I think is quite healthy! It helps to provide me with a sense of growth and pride for how far I've made it. I've made it as far as I have and that's all I can do. I don't have a set goal of happiness. Just continual joy and freedom.

Neither here, nor there!

I would like to think that, as a kid, I had quite a free mind. Sure, I grew up in a bit of a tight religious conformity type circle but it helped me to gain morals and an ability to create community around me. Alas, fancy free, was I. Priding myself on the caked masses of dirt between my toes and under my nails, the scars on my legs and arms, the sun burns I got from hours a day of running around in raspberry fields and making very little money. (due to lack of work and horrid pay) There was always an underlying weight of maturity that had been thrown upon me but I was capable of still being a true child. Those days were bliss.

I don't feel there was really one specific age that turned me to a teenager, filled with angst and rebellion. It just slowly started to happen. But the point of this post is less to do about my mental and emotional state and more to do with my style and comfort. I feel like as a teenager, everything is in a haze. (For most, there are a lucky fashion forward few that keep their shit together.) I remember walking into my church, a few times, with one of my favorite outfits. Black slip on shoes (I was much too tall for heals, and still now), rainbow knee high socks, black knee length skirt with lace separating the panels of fabric to show the slightest bit of skin, and a massive black hoodie. Accompanied by whatever colour hair my friend and I had decided to do that week and a faux hawk of some sort. Or a pixie cut.

Not my best time period.

I would like to think that I've grown. And not only have I expanded in maturity on a general basis but maturity in the amount of comfort I have in my personal style. Back then I was making a statement. I was proving to the world that I was not the people around me and I shouldn't be seen as such. Now, I dress the way I do because I like the way I dress. I find materials that make me happy, colours that suit my moods and movements. I guess in a way, I'm still making a statement, just now it's a whole lot softer. Maybe even filled with more kindness. Towards myself, towards my surroundings, towards life in general.

I love fashion but merely because I love expression. The human mind can take art and the perspective of self and manipulate it into so many different categories and shapes. With how complex we are, how creative we can be and how beautiful life is, what's not to like? Overall, I'm just incredibly happy that I've found a groove, a channel to allow my expression to flow through. I was paid a great compliment the other day. Someone was telling me how there is such diversity in my personality and ability to express. As a "young adult", I hated that. I wanted to find my niche. I wanted to be good at one thing and live it out to the best of my ability. I wanted to dress one way and be that to the fullest extent.

Most people call me a hippie, a category I'm happy to sport. Honestly, I'm just happy to be me.

Glancing observations,


Thankful love goes to my wonderful photographer, Lowely. Making pictures look nice even when the idea is sprung upon her.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Sub Thought of Consciousness

I'm not sure how other people dream, really. I ask all the time but no one can really give a straight answer. So because I would love for someone to do this for me, (feed my curiosity for the human mind) I will do this for others in hopes of the same in return at some point.

I dream in energy. In the intent. Anyone read The Chrysalids? John Whyndham explained it quite well how these kids communicate through thought. That's how my dreams work. No one really says "words" in the literal form. I often dream in colour, shape, feeling. I don't get details or specific images, just a general vibe of whatever emotion this object is meant to be portraying.

Often times when I dream of people, there are certain features that I see on them that are my depiction of the features they have in real life but the rest of their bodies often don't look quite the same. I'll know who they are most of the time by the energy they give me. Even though I know who the tall man with dark hair and piercing eyes is, he may be giving me the energy of someone else. Most of the time they look somewhat like the person they are in reality, but sometimes not. Sometimes if I see my sister (wee one) in a dream, I'll know it's her but she'll look totally different. It can be because the dream is in the future and she is evolved into someone that I'm not accustomed to in modern day time. For the most part, the hair and the color of clothes are the two things I am capable of really seeing. Everything is often just blurry and out of focus.

Sometimes I'll dream in psychedelic shapes. Just outlines of objects, flowers, vines, shapes, geometric designs. That's not very often and when it does happen, it's mostly in Savasana. (Which has been really trippy for me lately.)

I see surroundings quite well though. Last night was Switzerland and there was a harbor with boats and houseboats floating and bobbing around. There were huge hills all around the harbor that were lush with the greenest of grass. I remember the ebb and flow of the waves around all the wooden docks, there was a building that reminded me a lot of Waterfront Station in Vancouver. I took the escalator down to the water and looked back at the brick building. It looked like it may have been displaced there from the 20's.

Sometimes my dreams stick with me really well, in which case I'm capable of writing them down in a dream journal I have. Sometimes they leave just before I become conscious. I often wake up and then try and dive back into the dream before it slips through my fingers but it's often too late.

I've tried to do lucid dreaming but I've only achieved it once or twice and didn't enjoy it very much. I like seeing what my subconscious comes up with. What situations the depth of my mind decides to create for the thought process of my mind.

Sub thought of the conscious self,


Monday, July 11, 2011

Holding the Reserve

I'm quite sure I've mentioned this before in other posts here and there. But today I really put it into play. It being, the importance of structure, diligence, and putting time aside for yourself.
I taught my 1st solid flow class today. (Thanks to Lady Love for the encouragement and instruction) My personal teacher, as I mentioned last time, gave me a map, if you will, of how a class can/should be laid out. I put it into use this time. All I had to do was spend all of 20 min writing down poses starting from peak pose and working from warmup to cool down. It was the easiest prep I'd ever done for a class and yet, I apparently kicked ass. I felt confident doing it. My poses were concise with the theme (which wasn't even that deep and meaningful, just about creating space and opening) and I felt fairly relaxed all the way through! I stumbled a few times on my wording but I simplified quite a bit from how I normally instruct and actually gave correct ques!
Oh, and a slight detail, my Monday morning flows usually have between 6 to 8 people TOPS. Today? Try 15. Apparently everyone wanted to sweat first thing in the week.

Apparently I'm writing this to brag. What I want to get across is if you just take a little time and effort and use it to your advantage, it goes a long way. If you think about it, who else would your time be better spent on? You can't be able to constantly give your energy to others or things if you have none left for yourself. As I've told a friend of mine many times (Monsieur Analytical), you have a gas tank. But you always need to keep a little gas in reserve for yourself. If you're always giving it out, you won't be able to run your own existence.

Just something to keep in mind, I guess...


Picture 1 shown above is the OM on the wall of the studio I teach at that hangs above my head while I'm at the front of the class. It makes everything better.

Picture 2 is the tools of my trade. I find them quite comfortable.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I Am Aglow

How lucky I am to live the way I do.

Lady Love and I were talking to a friend (Champ.. a newly acquired, much appreciated friend) last night about being yoga teachers. We were saying how we don't think we can go back to the day job of 9 - 5, nose to the grindstone, hate your life and wish for release type job anymore. We've pushed the bar so high, at such a young age, that there's nowhere for us to go but up.

This picture is evidence of that. I work, do yoga, go home, listen to music whilst I blog or clean, go out with friends, teach a class, and sleep. I live off of the love of my passions! If I could give everyone in the world one huge gift, it would be the gift of living off of what you love. And loving how you live.

I guess my only qualm is that now I have to continue to move forwards and not cling to what I have. Keep pushing upwards and onwards. Thank life and existence for the friends I have and the people in my life, and continue. Enjoy every. little. moment. It will pass, it won't be there forever. Love it while you've got it and keep going, keep loving, keep finding light.

I am aglow.

If I ever seem down in any of these blogs, someone punch me.. Hard.

Shuma shumshum..


Monday, July 4, 2011

Fueling the Fire

Let me allow you a glimpse into who I am and what makes up my physicality. I have very open joints and not much muscle mass. My body is very Kapha in that I am "padded" and loose. Which means I've got tons of flexibility and no strength. (I've also learned you can't tell anyone that without them thinking of some sort of sexual joke.. them's the breaks) Obviously, my specialty in teaching yoga would be Yin.

Now, my teacher, my friend, and my boss (all one person) is really trying to train me on how to teach Vinyasa Flow. It's not easy for me. Not only am I quite weak but I'm not exactly the best with verbs and queuing. So after my flow class this morning my teacher writes out a chart for me.
2/3 of the class warm up and build up to a peak pose. 1/3 is just lesser versions of the warm ups to cool down and ready for savasana.
I found it really helpful!

It also got me thinking a little. Maybe I need a bit more structure in my life. I was just doing an interview with my Dancing Queen for a documentary she wants to make and I found myself really yearning for motivation. The words were just flying out of my mouth about how much I wish I had that fire inside of me to get shit done when it needs to be done. I so tend to lean towards shying away. I would rather step back than push forwards.

Maybe I need to be making those active steps by taking that first plunge into life with charts. It sounds silly but writing everything down may just keep me accountable. Maybe it will give me that push I need to drive forwards. Lord knows I need a push. A shove. A slap. A mind jolt. Something to keep me moving. I'm craving change, as of late. I need to continue onwards and upwards.

What holds us back? What causes that recoil? Comfort? Fear? If I've been learning anything, it's that life is gorgeous and there is nothing better than living it fully. So why hold back?

Have you ever craved something so much it takes over your thoughts? What stops you from making the move and achieving it? Situation? Circumstance? What inspires you to push forwards? Who makes you want to do more? What music makes your energy just fall into place? What actions allow freedom in you?

Maybe write these things down. Document. Learn. Grow.

The meandering mind of Meri.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Jumbled Thoughts

This isn't exactly the most premeditated thought. Just something that has been swimming around in my head incessantly lately.
I've been learning a lot about myself lately. As I've mentioned before, I am making a large amount of change in the habitual sand dunes of my life. I'm moving things around, trying things out, taking away, making more, and it's really hitting me hard now. The effects of my thoughts, actions, abilities are making quite an impact on my demeanor, my moods, the situations and challenges within my life.

Something huge that I've been chewing on is the concept of normal. What is normal? The general consensus is usually what would be "the norm", no? I've now been able to develop a list of things about me/my life that wouldn't be thought of as so normal. One of the biggest ones that may have even become a bit of a challenge for me is being open.
I feel as if I'm in this tug of war with these two opposing sides of me. One side says, reserve, withdraw, be grounded at all times. Say little but mean what you say. It causes me to be a bit of an introvert and quite shy. I don't join in on banter or jokes because I don't want to say something that's not funny enough or that I haven't fully thought through.
The other side of me says be open. Say exactly how you feel at all times even if it's not the most thought out and thorough thing to say. My problem with being spontaneous to such a degree is that I often scare people off. Apparently it's not normal to be as open as I am in certain situations. That people tend to be quite guarded with how they feel and here I am saying exactly what's going on in my head at sometimes not very appropriate times. I can be a little overbearing apparently.
I have no experimented with both a bit and I can honestly say it is quite hard to find a balance of the two. It also mixes in with what you think about other peoples opinions of you. If you care what people think, you should probably be quiet. If you don't, say what you want.

What do I want?

I want balance. I want the ability to intuitively do what needs to be done in the moment but when that moment is done, let it go. I seem to go over and over things after the fact. Picking it apart and breaking it down and regretting or wishing I would have done this or that better.

I want to be myself. But who am I?

Something that ties into all this is letting go. Knowing that I don't have control over everything in life and that I need to allow things to be as they are. I am already typically considered to be laid back but there are points in my personality where I feel this incessant need to think about things. And no creatively with different perspectives, just repetitively. Which I guess brings me into self awareness. The ability to be aware of my thoughts and actions has been growing and I really enjoy it. Of course it means I need to work harder and laziness becomes more and more unacceptable but I do enjoy being so able to see clearer.

I guess my lesson from this drawn out thought process is that I am only human and I need to be able to accept whatever I do. Even though my shyness has turned into being scary open (despite my best intentions) I just need to release the need to be a projection of what I think I should be and just be myself in the moment.

Ohh thoughts from the red head of Meri.